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After much consideration…

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…I have decided to live.

Salt Lake City, Utah Cityscape

No matter what may – or may not – be coming along into my life next, I’ve decided that no matter what happens, I am going to live as if I’ll be in this world until I’m so old that I can no longer feed myself split pea soup with a spoon.

No more premature dying, bit-by-bit, hour-by-hour, thought-by-thought because I can’t bear what my life has become and the mistakes I’ve made. That’s over. It’s an authentic life I’m after now. It’s the ability to look myself squarely in the eye to love the flawed person I am that I’m seeking.

But there’s more… Not only have I decided to live, I’ve decided to live the life that calls to me with challenges so large that when I hear their voices, I long to crawl back under my sheets so I can shake with fear without my dog trying to lick my hand in sympathy.

The life that calls me is so big and wonderful that I can’t possible describe it in a single sentence. It will take time for me to uncover, so I suppose this means that we will all have to wait for those chapters and verses about living real vs. dying unaware to spill out of me on the page. I will scribble them down and then, I will send them out into the world via this blog and the books I’m planning to write. I’m going to make pretty things in Photoshop, doodle my take on life, and take photos that make my heart sing.

There is so much to tell you and it’s probable that there will be many soul-felt discussions about what it takes to live a life such as I’ve dreamed about and am beginning today. I’ve been thinking about this life-possibility for decades – musing, and wondering, hoping and dissuading – never quite starting to live it because believing that it was possible seemed insane.

Oh… see… I am longing to tell you my stories now, because there are many to tell. I have books and books full of story ideas that are longing to crawl out into the air. I have notebooks and sketches of designs that have stacked up on my shelf, waiting for me to summon the courage to create them.

But today’s not the day to do the telling and the creating. No…I must carefully write my stories and thoughts with the best words I can pull out of my brain, and then they must sit and breathe for a while so that I can read them again and again to make sure that they communicate exactly what I wish to say.

I will not spill these stories across the page like a glass of errant milk. No, I must gently pour these stories into chilled crystal glasses so that they can cool our aching hearts and fill our noses with bubbles of laughter. It is only through careful telling and creating that my heart will reach out to your heart so that together, we can both be a bit more alive.

And so,  for now, I must satisfy myself by calling out to the world this morning – oh blessed morning – that the sun came up and with it came my life.

Yes, today is the day that I finally, truly, and wonderfully decided to live.

 

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About Rozanne Paxman

Author, blogger, graphic designer, cartoonist, doodler, thinker, do-er, entrepreneur, mom, grandma, and lover of life.

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